Show Me Love
by precious-passenger
Summary: A bit 5x01 spoiler-y. Nothing major but still, I like my head attached to my body, thank you very much. It's before "Wonder-ful", I guess. A drabble about a miserable Kurt, going through a string of memories from last year.


Title: Show me love.

Summary: A bit 5x01 spoiler-y. Nothing major but still, I like my head attached to my body, thank you very much. It's before "Wonder-ful", I guess. A drabble about a miserable Kurt, going through a string of memories from last year.

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A/N: So how many of you believed that crap of an excuse Kurt gave for not being with Adam anymore? Please. put the slushies down, I'm all for Klaine reunion but I need to have a proper breakup and you know, the aftermath of it between Kadam. So there it goes.

Title from the song from T.a.t.u of the same name. Remember the time when I said I wouldn't use song verses for title? Me neither!

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NYADA was buzzing with excitement, as usual. Sometimes, too much enthusiasm for Kurt's taste. And as he was climbing up the numerous stairs and students after students were running down, chatting, gossiping in loud voices, it makes him feel old, slow. Sometimes it feels like an outsider looking in to be surrounded by this much happiness.

Sure, he was popular, sort of. People didn't turn the opposite way when he was approaching, or even gave him a friendly smile and wave. He fitted in a way he wouldn't believe it was possible in Lima. After the Diva-off, people weren't looking down on him anymore. He wasn't a charity case or had given Carmen Tibbeduex a makeover or sold his soul to Cassandra July to get get into NYADA, as some used to suggest. He was as talented as the rest of them, even more so, if Kurt had any say in it.

He heard a familiar laugh and snapped out of his thoughts. What was with him and meeting guys at the stairs? He saw Adam walking down the stairs with some guy. Adam was subtly touching the guy's arm and smiling a lot broader than normal, something that Kurt realized was a habit he had when he was trying to charm someone. Kurt gave a half wave that Adam returned and they walked past him after exchanging small smiles.

It was a good thing that Adam broke up with him, he thought. Of course, what hurt the most then was what he said as he was leaving.

"Kurt, I just can't help but feel you're the one who has broke it up with me a long time ago… I'm just the one saying the words."

Sure, he had spent the night crying his eyes out and wondering what the hell_ that_ meant but the scariest part was he didn't feel anything. He felt almost normal, unaffected, somehow and he couldn't shake off the thought that he wasn't crying because of a broken heart, he was crying because he'd failed to mend the already broken one.

There was no breaking down in the middle of Vogue dot com cafeteria, as he was getting his coffee order, no longing looks at his contact on the phone for the next days to come… fuck, nothing, not a damn thing. And somehow it made everything worse.

He even went to the Adam's Apple's meeting the following week after the breakup. Adam was trying a new dance routine and he stopped mid-spin as he found him standing there, shocked. Adam had purple shadows under his eyes and he looked pale. It hadn't even occurred to Kurt that he shouldn't be there. It was like a routine, he had a gap between his two classes and he automatically went to the practice room.

There was a sudden silence and then slight wobbling of some members as they subtly put themselves in front of him and their leader, as if they were protecting him, from Kurt?

What was wrong with him? He was a moron, really.

He just muttered a "sorry", grabbed his bag and ran toward the exit.

He knew that this breakup was a good thing. As good as a breakup could be. He knew that he would've continued dating him, secretly wishing Adam would get bored of him, that he wouldn't be so sweet and understanding. It wouldn't be fair to Adam to be invested in something that in no way he had any hope of fixing.

He knew that he would even have sex with him, if Adam suggested it. Sure, he had to have a whole bottle of wine to hush the uneasy feeling, that high-pitched voice that somehow made him feel like a cheater. He'd give anything to silence that voice that was ever present in every date he had, even some random ones before Adam.

He reached his class and it was empty. Avoiding people does that to you. For the first time he was met by total silence. Something so rare when you're living with Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez and studying in a performing arts school. The silence was peaceful but he couldn't help breaking it, making his thoughts heard at least.

_There's a grief that can't be spoken _

_There's a pain that goes on and on_

_Empty chairs at empty tables_

_Now my friends are dead and gone_

After his diva-off he kept randomly singing the soundtrack of Les Miserable's, and there he was, thinking of only one friend he wished was there sitting in the empty chair beside him.

Shit, it was better when he was only singing Moulin Rouge. _This_ was torture.

_Phantom faces at the window_

_Phantom shadows on the floor_

_Empty chairs at empty tables_

_Where my friends will meet no more,_

Damn it, there was no avoiding the real deal. He was still not over Blaine and that sucked because clearly Blaine was over him the day he had walked out of the airport to New York. He just wished he wasn't that naïve to never notice that with each phone call he kept babbling on and on about his own life, or the few he'd avoided or breezed through, Blaine was falling out of love with him.

He just wanted someone to call his, to share everything, was that too much to ask?

And he was just playing a game that night in Mr. Shuster's failed wedding. He was pretending that his heart wasn't broken, that Blaine _was_ his to touch and kiss. After the high of having sex subsided, because damn, that was hot, he still felt like a cheater, he felt like locking himself up in a bathroom and never coming out.

Almost right after his plane landed he went straight to Adam's dorm and asked him to be his official boyfriend. They spent the next hours kissing and sharing shy touches and glances. He was too numb to hear the usual warning voice and it was a good thing.

Then, the Moulin Rouge incident happened. He was an idiot to think that all that pretence wasn't coming back to haunt him in a weak moment. They were idiots, to think of the color of chairs and wedding songs when they hadn't even had a taste of being adults.

And it came back haunting him every night, in strange dreams and memories of them being with each other.

_Now, that, is making you cry?_, Kurt thought angrily to himself.

He shouldn't pretend that he was stronger than stuff happening to him and he didn't break. Seeing Rachel happy with Brody made him feel pathetic, the girl manipulated everything, even her own thoughts. If she thought she was over Finn; she'd force herself over Finn.

When Tina wrote him a reality check about how he wasn't there for Blaine, it hurt.

When he shared his bed a few hours after Blaine admitted to sharing one with another, upset didn't even cover how he felt.

When in thanksgiving he hesitantly answered Blaine's "I love you so much". Dancing with him in the wedding, seeing him in New York… why should everything hurt this much? Was it even possible, this much pain?

He guessed tonight was the night he should prepare himself for a mad affair with Bruce, the pillow. The pillow that since the first day, he'd forced himself not to call it Blaine.

Because a silly part of him still wanted something of the boy by his side, to talk to. To give a piece his love, although there was no one to give it back.

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A/N: I'm so mad at Blaine right now. Not Kurt, never Kurt. Can I please please take him with me and have tons of lady chat and hug him?

Thoughts? Warm milks?


End file.
